300 words about Where I’m Not

By Andrew Clark

I have been contemplating what it truly is I have lost; how true it really was. It puts me in a terrified state of bewilderment when I question my ability to identify these intensely uncomfortable emotions. They linger. My thoughts linger. The uncomfortable feeling lingers, heavily grasping a fragment of my well-being and a portion of myself.

To detach myself from another human being whose touch had become more familiar than my own has created an unfathomable ache. This insatiable relationship, insatiable lover? And now these imminent feelings of anger, grief and fuck you have effortlessly flooded my mind and body. My soul however, remains unscathed.

Even after the course of our love, I am unable to comprehend her choices. My uncertainty should be evident but it remains ambiguous. – If only my curiosity would take over to ease this painful reality. – Unclear though, adjacent, my mental distraction; I am aware of what I felt but what if I was not aware of the illusion of her touch? The deception could have easily been disguised within her volatile construction. Acceptance has been replaced with anger, which feels somewhat alleviating.

An energy tries to pull me in her direction. When she is nearby I feel a sinking tension pierce my chest; she is angry with herself as she spitefully attempts to blame me; she is terrified of her own mind. Acceptance is replaced with anger, restricting comprehension…and the pattern starts.

I am no longer a prisoner of another person’s agenda. I am no longer ignorant to the self respect I couldn’t find. I am no longer confused with the heart inside my head. I am no longer somebody else trying to be myself. Wherever I am is always where I need to be.

Editor’s note: This story is part of our September 2016 series ‘Hundreds of Words about Location: Where are you, and how does it affect how you see the world?’

 

Andrew Clark is an artist working and living in Philadelphia. He is currently studying glass blowing in the Craft and Material Studies program at University of the Arts. 


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